i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
