So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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