any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
