Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
