saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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