I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Did I show you my penis last night?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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