I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
