My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
