Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
