then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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