It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
