why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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