Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
