allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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