i need an iv and a liver transplant
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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