the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
