just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why is there bacon in the couch?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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