There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
