I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
