I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
