dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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