I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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