I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
