if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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