i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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