you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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