I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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