Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
