the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
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I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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