Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
