I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
