I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
