I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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