Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
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Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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