I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
