I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
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Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
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A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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