Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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