Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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