Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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