I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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