he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
