Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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