So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
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Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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