I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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