Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
