I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
