call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
