I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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