she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
