Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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