Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
