I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
