At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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