Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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