just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
