i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We got so high we made milksteak
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
